Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Some say it's better but I say it ain't

I am depressed.
But I shouldn't be!
Jordan was telling me today how busy he is with work and all this other stuff and how he's miserable/stressed, and I couldn't even complain and say how I feel shitty because I don't have anything to complain about.
I just feel like shit.
Even people who I don't see me regularly can tell there's something wrong.
Nothing is cheering me up. I have occasional ups which is good but then there's the downs too ..
Going back to school is going to suck too, it's boring as shit right now and I hate coming home to an empty fish-smelling apartment to sit in by myself all night ..
I got my tattoo touched up today and it looks great, I'm going shopping in the states tomorrow and going to photograph an old ship and I'm not even stoked.
I also went on the treadmill the other day and working out usually cheers me up .. but it didn't.

This is stupid.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

We were doomed from the start

Whether I'm lying in bed or sitting on an empty bus, being alone with my thoughts is the worst.
I have came to a conclusion and accepted the fact that I will be alone for a long time.
Reasons to support this: 
- I haven't dated, ever. My last 'boyfriend' was almost 4 years ago and it was at a shitty time in my life. I got dumped 3 weeks into the relationship.
- I'm not dating material.
- I'm too picky. Anyone I have feelings for is too good for me.
- When someone likes me back, I tend to focus on their flaws and force myself to stop talking to them. (subconsciously)
- When I ever get intimate with someone, I get extremely self-consious and I don't enjoy it.

Why I'm okay with this: 
- When I fall for someone, my emotions go overboard and I go crazy. If they like someone else, I get really depressed. So I'd rather not like anyone and have a stable mind set.
- As long as I have a cat to cuddle with, I don't need anyone else.

There should be more reasons for why I'm okay with being alone, but the first one's pretty solid.

Hate list.

I hate my body. - My body is the main cause of me feeling shitty. I would be happier if I was skinny but it is so hard to lose weight. 

I hate how I need to wear make up to feel pretty. - It's true. I look gorgeous when I'm all done up, but when I don't have any make up on I'm so ugly. 

I hate my hair. - It's boring, flat, thin, damaged. 

I hate my family. - So much drama. My mom fucks everything up. 

I hate alcohol. - Turns people into monsters and causes them to make bad decisions.

I hate drugs. ^^ 

I hate St. Catharines. - No friends here. Some people will say otherwise, but I disagree. 

I hate relationships. - I'm better off alone. 

I hate my mind. - I feel like there's two people living inside me.

I hate myself. - For many reasons. 

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I hate

when you know you've seen a movie before, but can't remember when/where/ you saw it and who you saw it with.
I'm watching " Super High Me" right now on youtube, and I've obviously seen it multiple times because I have parts of it memorized, but I have NO idea when I've seen it, and who I've seen it with. I'm so baffled.
Fuck I miss smoking weed.

Not really though.

By the way, I fucking love Doug Benson.
I would totally fuck him.

Update: I would love to smoke a joint right now. God damn.

Why I hate Thursdays.

So the other day, I did something to my right leg and it was really sore to walk on. I woke up this morning to get ready for my only class of the day, and I can hardly put any weight on my right leg. I pretty much had to hop to go to the washroom. If I missed this class today, it would be the third one I missed. (Not good.)
Anyways, I made the stupid decision not to go to class. I emailed the teacher explaining what is going on and he should understand because he's the most chill teacher I have.
Now it is noon, and I am hungry. I don't really want to get out of bed and make anything because my leg hurts. Plus, I don't have any more chicken or lettuce, so there's not really anything healthy I can eat except for apples and oranges. Usually by Thursday, I'm out of all the good food I can make for dinner and end up eating something like cereal all day. Everyone asks, "Why don't you just go grocery shopping?". Well, considering I'm going home tomorrow, I'm not going to go spend money on food for one night when I could get it free on the weekend. Even if I wanted to go get something for dinner tonight, I can't because of my leg.
Also, since I can hardly fucking walk, how am I supposed to work out? I didn't do it yesterday because of my leg, and I was hoping it would get better today. But no. Now I'm confused as to what to do, because if I had something for dinner that isn't so good for me, I'd just work out and I wouldn't feel as bad. But I can't work out, and I don't have any healthy food. So what the fuck am I supposed to do?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Fuck my life.

At the beginning of the week, I decided to start this whole eat-healthy-work-out-get-in-shape thing again.
My friend that is going to school to be a certified personal trainer is helping me with it.
I've worked out a bit for the past 4 days, and I've been eating healthy.
Now that it is day 4, I am grumpy as hell.

I miss junk food, I miss pasta and I miss being able to drink pop.
I'm craving carbs so bad right now, I just want to sit down and eat a whole pizza and box of fries and have some iced tea. But no.
Instead, my options are: chicken, soup or lettuce with a big glass of water. 
(Seriously, what looks more appetizing?)

I'm pretty upset right now. I know it's lame and I should just get the fuck over it, but I was raised on junk food and I have the biggest sweet tooth ever.
It happens about two times every year where I decide I'm going to try and lose weight, but I can never stick with it. It's just affecting my emotions more right now because I have been SO unhappy with how I look lately and I don't want to feel this way anymore.
I have serious issues with my image, one day I was late for school because I wasn't happy with what I was wearing and how my hair looked. So I changed about 10 times and tried a bunch of different hairstyles, and I still wasn't content. I ended up going to school anyways, but I was pissy all day. When I think I look like shit I'll worry about it all day. Most of the time I actually don't look that bad and everyone just thinks I'm crazy. I think I am a bit crazy, so I can't really blame them.
Basically, I started this blog so I could quack all I want and no one would have to listen to me whine and complain.
So now I'm going to make a salad and chicken and pretend it's something doughy with lots of carbs.